life is suck when covid happen :(

 hello peeps,

its been along time not to rant thing in here. Ive been doing good, i guess and I am quite happy with everything I have now. And the most important thing is I am not procrastinating alot like I used to since I have finished my final examination. What a relief! and right now I am taking a new semester and the bad thing is online class. Yeap, because of the corona thing. Lets hope for this covid would go away asap.

just now in my state, there is a case and it is near my hometown. Hoping that I wont get it. Amiinnn. Well I dont have any points today but I do feel to write things, even though it is kind of useless.

So, we have reached October and there is 3 month left before I turned 21. How time flies so fast, isnt? I miss my childhood really bad since there is nothing to worry about. I dont have to worry about grades, money and what should I do with my life. 

Yes, I do agree that adulting is hard. You lose people alot, People are not the same. Just like us, we changed also. You lost trust, you would go to heartbreak and most probably you would end up crying. I am kind of missing those days when I would not care about how people see me. I miss being carefree and stuff. There is alot of things that I miss and kind of regret about how stupid am I for not taking a chance to try things back then when I was young. Lets call it because I am scared and right now I am regretting it. What a fool, right?

Back then, I am not the one who cares about boys and love but right now I am. Like literally I would cry over a boy and I hate it. I miss being tough. I miss being workaholic. I miss everything about me. 

Apart of that, when I take a look, I am quite happy with myself because I have come so far. I have done so many great things apart of all the stupid things I made. Let's call it even since it is kind of teach me about how life is. Even my life is on the roller coaster but perhaps good thing would happen. Good things take time.

sincerely <3

my pointless point of view

 2:24 am, Thursday

so its been a long time for me for not posting this thing bc of works and stuffs. Ive been feeling good like i should. Its like i am able to wake up and not feeling that empty. the feeling is still there but its not like how i used to feel. and oh! my final exam is coming up soon. 

new semester is coming up soon too. I cant wait to rent a house with my friends and cant wait to spend my remaining 3 years of degrees with my friends. i think i have grown up since there is lot of things that i should do with  my own feet. 

just now i just finished watching a movie '3 idiots' and you never know how countless of times i have cried while watching it. While watching the movies, i do think that i should realize what I want in my life since I am a type of 'go with the flow' people. I do like to be a teacher but somehow some people didnt allow me to be one since they want me to be an engineer. Ngl it was pretty hard for me since it was one of my passion. but however, I am planning to be a lecturer after I finished my degree no matter what they say. 

so, bye <3

fairuz in her regular thought but in a deep way

12:29 pm

sometimes, i dont know what im feeling. Its like im feeling numb. Am i weird? Its like i dont know how to express my feeling in a correct ways.. i guess and sometimes, they misunderstood it. And if i ever do it, I just dont know is it good or not. 

Sometimes i do have a lot of things in mind and want to tell everyone. But i do think it would bother them and i would end up keeping to myself. Am i that lonely?

Can someone tell me how it feels when you have someone to tell all of your things in your mind and everything without feeling insecure tho? Im afraid of being judge.

Its not like I dont try to talk to someone about my feelings and so on, I already tried it. But somehow, some people dont match my vibe and sometimes, they ignored it. So I end up, keeping to myself so that i wont be ashamed. 

There is a lot of things im afraid of. And one of those is, expressing my feeling. 

am i toxic?

11: 06 pm

Talking  about toxicity,

I think everyone can be toxic. But in their own ways. Even ourselves can be toxic too. I admit that I used to be toxic and somehow still being toxic. It depend on us, who can realize it well. 

Being the kindest human ever, we should stop blaming someone for being toxic but instead, reflect ourselves first. It can be us who being the toxic one but we don't realize it. 

I do learn it from my own past. You know, I used to blame everyone for being toxic. But somehow, I learnt that it was me at the first place who being the one. I regret it alot and I couldn't help myself for being sorry for that person. When the thoughts came, I do realize it was kinda petty for me to feel that kind of way and I always blame myself. 

i am just thinking this on the way to my home in the bus and after that, i dozed off. 

random thought

2:08 am

so yeah, I cant sleep yet. I am studying but it seems that my mind is wandering on something. I dont know why but it seems that I cant really focused on my studying these days. So today, I made myself a 'to-do-list' and yeah it indeed helps me. I think maybe it is the best way for me to sort things out for a day. I do have a lot of things to do but my lazyass still listening to You tube.

Anyways, just now while waiting for my burger to be done, I talk to moon and stars about a lot of things that i weren't able to tell other people. It was pretty good tho. It's like you are talking to someone who are listening to you, but they are not judging and out of nowhere I feel safe since I am not good in talking about my feelings to people. I noticed some of the stars blinks and it was really pretty. Looking forward to talk to them again lmao.