fairuz in her regular thought but in a deep way

12:29 pm

sometimes, i dont know what im feeling. Its like im feeling numb. Am i weird? Its like i dont know how to express my feeling in a correct ways.. i guess and sometimes, they misunderstood it. And if i ever do it, I just dont know is it good or not. 

Sometimes i do have a lot of things in mind and want to tell everyone. But i do think it would bother them and i would end up keeping to myself. Am i that lonely?

Can someone tell me how it feels when you have someone to tell all of your things in your mind and everything without feeling insecure tho? Im afraid of being judge.

Its not like I dont try to talk to someone about my feelings and so on, I already tried it. But somehow, some people dont match my vibe and sometimes, they ignored it. So I end up, keeping to myself so that i wont be ashamed. 

There is a lot of things im afraid of. And one of those is, expressing my feeling. 

am i toxic?

11: 06 pm

Talking  about toxicity,

I think everyone can be toxic. But in their own ways. Even ourselves can be toxic too. I admit that I used to be toxic and somehow still being toxic. It depend on us, who can realize it well. 

Being the kindest human ever, we should stop blaming someone for being toxic but instead, reflect ourselves first. It can be us who being the toxic one but we don't realize it. 

I do learn it from my own past. You know, I used to blame everyone for being toxic. But somehow, I learnt that it was me at the first place who being the one. I regret it alot and I couldn't help myself for being sorry for that person. When the thoughts came, I do realize it was kinda petty for me to feel that kind of way and I always blame myself. 

i am just thinking this on the way to my home in the bus and after that, i dozed off. 

random thought

2:08 am

so yeah, I cant sleep yet. I am studying but it seems that my mind is wandering on something. I dont know why but it seems that I cant really focused on my studying these days. So today, I made myself a 'to-do-list' and yeah it indeed helps me. I think maybe it is the best way for me to sort things out for a day. I do have a lot of things to do but my lazyass still listening to You tube.

Anyways, just now while waiting for my burger to be done, I talk to moon and stars about a lot of things that i weren't able to tell other people. It was pretty good tho. It's like you are talking to someone who are listening to you, but they are not judging and out of nowhere I feel safe since I am not good in talking about my feelings to people. I noticed some of the stars blinks and it was really pretty. Looking forward to talk to them again lmao.